So I realized the other day that I hadn’t written about my anxiety in a while, and that was because for a while I didn’t have any. I had gotten into a pretty good routine with work and school and I was doing good as far as my anxiety was concerned.
Recently, I had to give my very first speech in years for my speech class. My speech was supposed to be about what made me ‘ME’. I ended up just talking about how I grew up in the Military and how the Military had made me who I was today and that it would always be a part of my life. I had taken my notecards up to the front, faced the class, and gave my speech (almost) flawlessly.
What most people in that class didn’t know, was that I had actually re-wrote that speech the night before.
At first, I had TWO main things that made me me; The Military, and my Anxiety. However, after practicing my speech over and over in front of my mirror, I had decided last minute to leave the stuff about my anxiety out of the speech. It wasn’t because I didn’t want anyone to know about my anxiety, but rather, talking about my anxiety became too hard to do and it was physically causing me anxiety.
That’s right, just to think about how bad my anxiety used to be, caused me anxiety.
Now, I don’t pretend to be ‘cured’ of my anxiety just because it’s not around anymore. Nor do I pretend I don’t have it, because I know that it is still in me somewhere, biding it’s time, waiting to come out and attack. However, the more I think about it the more I worry that I’m going to slip into my old ways again and the more anxiety goes through my body.
My anxiety is a huge part of who I am, and I certainly still live with my anxiety, but I’m trying to not let it control my life anymore. I’m keeping that door closed, and I refuse to go near it. I still have anxiety even though it’s not present everyday. I can still remember what an anxiety attack feels like as if I’m having one this very moment, even though I don’t have them as often. And although I don’t have anxiety right this second, I choose to use that freedom of having no anxiety to help others who are feeling anxiety right now.
I have anxiety.
But anxiety is not all I am.