Yesterday was a peaceful day… What was supposed to be a day to celebrate the luck of the Irish with my family, turned into a day of peace and calming as we attended a funeral with our entire family.
I got up in the morning, made some tea, wished my family a Happy St. Patrick’s Day, and went and put on my black dress (with a pinch of green of course).
My grandfather, who passed away on the 13th of March 2022, would finally be laid to rest. It was yesterday that my family dressed in black(ish) clothes, packed ourselves into our vehicles, and made our way up to the funeral home for what promised to be an eventful funeral.
When we had arrived, I felt an overwhelming peace of calm wash over me as I knew that this would be the last time I would see most of these family members. Perhaps it was this sense of calmness that had caused my small little circle of family to laugh at everything that had went wrong that day instead of getting mad.
We had laughed when names were pronounced wrong, and we laughed (later) at the names that were not included in the ‘family’ list.
We couldn’t help but giggle when the preacher told a room full of unreligious people that only religious people went to Heaven. And then we laughed some more when we found out that someone had told the preacher that my grandfather was religious.
We held back smiles and laughter when people talked about how this man had loved his whole family equally, meanwhile he was a stranger to me and my brother.
We smiled, giggled, laughed, and ‘calmly‘ sat through the entire service while people around us tried to stir up trouble or cause drama. Because what else could we do?
While everyone went up there and said good things about a man whom I hardly knew, I sat there surrounded by my family and the calming thought that this would soon be over.
I didn’t get up and speak yesterday. But I laid in bed last night thinking about what I could have said if I had dared go up and speak.
I would have started by saying that I didn’t know my grandfather very well, and that I wish I would have had the memories that half of my family talked about. I would have talked about the very few memories that I did have about my grandfather; like the memories of playing ‘house’ with my cousins on his front porch, or ghost hunting in his house, or playing on the tire swing with my cousins in the side yard.
I would have told people that although my grandfather didn’t mean much to me, I was thankful for him because he was the reason that most of those people were in that room. Without my grandfather, I wouldn’t exist. Without him, I wouldn’t have my cousins, or my amazing Aunt and Uncle. Without him, I wouldn’t have had all of the friends who came to the funeral to support my family. And without him, my father wouldn’t exist, my mother wouldn’t be my mother, and my brother and I wouldn’t have been possible. For that, I am grateful.
I would have ended my little speech by saying that I loved my family, and without my Grampa, my family would not have been possible. I would have said my peace, I would have sat down, and the sermon would have continued.
But we never think about those things when life is happening around us. We only think of what we ‘could‘ have done after it’s done. We have to live our lives constantly knowing that we could have done something else, or said something else, or said something at all.
Yesterday was a day of calm, because sometimes we don’t have to get the last word in, sometimes we just have to feel calm in the fact that it’s all over. I came home, took a shower, got dressed in my PJs, and laid awake in my bed thinking of all of the things I could have said, and remembering all of the memories I had when I was young, and life was simple.
So yes, our St. Patrick’s Day was spent at a funeral home. But we weren’t there to honor the dead. We were there to honor the living, those who were still alive and who needed closure, and those who we were thankful were still alive because they meant the world to us. ❤
I leave you here, my lovely readers, to think happy thoughts about your loved ones and to hug them a little closer today. And I remind you to smile, have an amazing day, and remember that life is short (so make it a good one)!